This story is loosely based on an “idea” that I had during a conversation recently. Of course, it has no relation nor relevance to that conversation at all. It was just something funny that my mind wandered in to, then stumbled upon in a moment. Something funny to just interject for no particular reason at all, except maybe a sharing a laugh.
In the delivery room, on the day I was being born, it was pretty challenging for almost everyone there. My birth mom of course was screaming and pushing. The nurses were rushing around looking like a small herd of deer that knew it had just been spotted by a hunter. The doctor, giving everyone orders that no one was really paying any attention to, and let’s he really wasn’t much of a wrestler and leave it at that.
Me? I’m wondering who the hell just turned up the lights, and what happened to all the elbow room I had just a minute ago?
Then I hear the doc’ say, “We need more gas here!”
Mom obliges him, and out I pop! Well I didn’t really pop out. The way I saw it, some grumpy baby wrangler had grabbed me by the ankles and just pulled me out of my comfy bachelor baby pad! Creep!
Next thing I know, this baby wrangler is still holding me by the ankles, except now I’m hanging upside down several feet off the floor. I look over at him and give him the best “You had better put me down now!” badass baby glare that I can…
I just had my ass smacked! Twice! What the hell?… I just gave that baby wrangler the same look again, except embellished with even more stubbornness, and I just hung there. Glaring…
After a few seconds, he smacks my as two more times. I glared at that baby wrangler again. And this time, if someone could lose a limb from a just look, his new nick name would have been “Lefty”! What was his problem? Get over it, I thought, and went back to what I was doing.
Smack! Smack!… Smack! Smack!… Smack! Smack!….
Oh great… Now the nurses were ganging up on me too! What the hell was wrong with these people? This is a fine “how do you do”, isn’t it, I thought, as I hung there. They all got glares… Very special, exceptionally pissed-off, angry, furious, baby glares for each of them! I was pretty sure that I had finally put some fear in to all of them now. Maybe they would put me back, put me down, at least leave me the hell alone for a while, but no…
I heard the baby wrangler say something, and he sounded concerned. “The baby won’t cry! He needs to cry to clear his air way! Does anyone have any ideas?”
A-Ha! Now I knew what they were trying to do. They wanted me to cry! No way… They can all kiss the tiny ass of mine that they had all just played slappy-ass on. I’m not going to cry.
Finally, my birth mom spoke up to them. She had gone through this already when my two older brothers were born, so it was no big deal for her. Mom just told them what to do, how to get me to cry.
“First, make him put down that cup of coffee and doughnut. That will distract him. Then, take away his cigarette and hide his lighter. That’ll make him cry…” Mom was so cool, so calm, so collected. They did just as she had told them to do. And I cried.