Halfway through 61 now. Well almost… Now that I can do things again because I can, I have no clue on what it may be, that I would like to do. Thought about building a time machine. Same old, same old. Even if I had a time machine, where, or rather when, would I go to? Sure nowhere, nowhen, in the past. Been there, done that. I’d probably just hit some random date, at least many decades in to the future, and see what’s there when I got there. Hopefully, they’d still have coffee.
What is a body to do when the opportunity comes along to begin anew with a “clean slate”? No baggage, except for a dog for now and she’s old now too… No whining needy kids, or backstabbing relatives of any kind to speak of. No one from high school, or any other school, lurking in the wings. I haven’t had to mail out, or been able to mail out, a single Christmas card for years. No birthday cards going out, none coming in. No anniversaries to remember.
Only recently got reconnected to the internet, cable TV, and a landline phone too. I was feeling “disconnected” after going without for about a year and a half. Now I’m connected again. A very few friends, a bio brother, a bio nephew, couple of cousins, and that’s about it. Talk with my brother the most. The rest, well they know I’m here and I know they’re there. Everyone has something going on, a life, so they’re pretty busy. That’s OK. A few minutes on a phone, or a message here and there, isn’t much but it’s better than zero. I can’t complain, because it’s about all I can handle anyhow. Too much company, too much connection time, just makes the loneliness darker and deeper in between.
Still living rough, I guess because I’ve gotten so used to that it’s become normal now. I could easily spend some time traveling around the country once the weather gets warmer. Getting stuck in snow storms, or having roads get shut down, just isn’t much fun. I could make some further improvements to this house, like maybe getting a few windows fixed, a stove to cook on, or even a window A/C or two. But why? Making my self-imposed sanctuary more comfortable would be a little counter productive. There would go much of my motivation to just go out the door and in to the great outside`on most days.
I have my moments of hopefulness. I just don’t let myself become to excited over them these days. Hopefulness is too often just the prelude to more disappointment, which refuels and resupplies my depression. Status Quo is a safe place. You may not go up, but you really don’t go lower either. It’s safe, and fairly consistent. If I was going to snap, to break, to give up, it would have happened by now. At least that’s what I believe and hold on to during the worst days. Maybe someday, I’ll get lucky? I doubt it. At least in the meantime I play this game that my life has become, it’s called “Survival”. And for now, it’s all I got.
This is going to be a more interesting year at least, I hope. Maybe a road trip or two? I have time to think about it. I have time, and I at least know that. I just have to think of a destination or two.