Life is a journey. It’s more so about the trip, and not so much the destination. So I’ve been heard and have been told many times… There seems to be a lot of truth in this.
I’ve spent the last few years mainly in what I’ll call “Empty Places”. Much of the time, I spend alone. There are times when I would relish some company, some conversation. But most of the time is spent just being alone, yet not in loneliness. I’m grateful for my peaceful spaces, physically and emotionally, and I spend as much time there as is possible.
It’s only been in the last few years that I’ve spent enough time digging down inside, getting as close to the bottom of “why” as I possibly can. A journey of discovery in a way, and that is seeing things, recalling things, and understanding things, in hindsight. The roots of many things that have troubled me in life, and still do in some ways, run deep. I was a child at one time, but it didn’t last very long. By the time I began grade school, I was already operating on “another level”, much different than my peers. I can cite probable causes, but that may sound like me assigning blame and responsibility to people. In fact, it was a much larger set of circumstances, a true comedy of errors, and there were many characters and players in those circumstances. Adults and other children, the times being the 50’s and early 60’s, and myself already being so disconnected because my journey had already begun without my realization.
Always on the outside looking in. That’s the best way I am able to describe it. Never fitting in, never feeling accepted, never feeling a true bond (except with dogs and other animals). I understood what loyalty was, but at best that can be a fleeting thing. A change in circumstances beyond your control, and loyalties can change greatly and suddenly. That’s how people are. That’s not a bond. A true bond endures changes, good times, bad times, and ages gracefully. I’ve never felt that. That is, a real bond. Except with a dog.
I’ve been told I have PTSD and a major depressive disorder. Great… At least I have a label and somewhat of a definition of what’s been going on all along now. Gaining some understanding of ones self, is well… Progress? But towards what?
So many things have happened on this path of my long journey through life… People are quick to remember your mistakes, short comings, misdeeds, failures, etc. Especially when you’re someone on a path like mine. And I don’t kid myself. I know I’m not the only one out here. In that respect, I’m not alone, never alone. There are many of us. Too many…
Instead of trying to cure us, fix us, judge us, shut us away… I’d suggest recognizing the good in us, the things of value from our unique perspectives and experiences? Take an inventory of our good qualities, and of the benefits we have brought in to this world. There is much understanding, compassion, kindness, to be had because we tend to transmit just what we’d like to receive. We just don’t do very well in circumstances filled with conflict, anger, and meanness, especially when we get blamed for it being that way. Look beyond the end of your noses… See the person inside, and you might find something special.
My path, my journey, has lead me to a place where my history only exists in the minds of others. They recall just what they want, and interpret everything to suit their own needs. My history just vanished one day, along with everyone that I ever thought I meant anything to, or that I though meant anything to me. Loyalties change… It’s not much different now from when I was about 5. I feel like… No, I know I don’t belong here any more now than I did then, or much of the time in between. If you took away all those years in between then and now, for me it’s just “same shit, different day”. Why? Because I can’t see how anything I did, or did not do, made any difference at all. It’s like there was just a lot of “filler” in between now and then. Just busy work. Things to do to fill those times…
I look back now, and I have hard time seeing myself at all. Except that I’ve been in survival mode much longer than I ever realized. I guess, if anything, I have the one accomplishment of not having succumbed to life’s BS and letting it snuff me out? Maybe I’ve always been meant to be just a “place holder”? A thing to keep other things from bumping in to one another? I don’t know… That’s the best I can do to describe it.
What’s up ahead for me now, hearing 62 coming up the walk towards me? I’m hoping it won’t be more of the same of what I’ve been living all along. But, statistically speaking, and in spite of holding on to some faint glimmers of hope, I’m not expecting much.
Some day, this will all be done. Finally. The lights will go out for the last time, and I’ll be on my way to whatever, if anything, awaits in the hereafter. Most people, many people, live their lives in fear if dying. I don’t fear it at all. In fact, it will be a welcome change of pace. I’m in no hurry to get here though! So please don’t get the wrong idea. I’m just saying that if anything, being as I am and have been, You can’t loose nor miss what you’ve never had.
PTSD and major depressive disorder, etc etc, what fun…
To any kindred spirits who may wander by… Hang in there! If nothing else, just enjoy the fact that we can be anything from a pain in the ass to a real conundrum for those who don’t get it and never will. And don’t be in a hurry! Sooner or later life has a way of tapping everyone on the shoulder when it’s time to get off the roller coaster, even if you’re not like us. So if nothing else, just enjoy the ride and whatever scenery there may be…
Almost 62 going on 12….
and yeah, this is much closer to real life these days than you’d believe…
Special Thanks to : R.E.M., YouTube, and REMVEVO