I can’t believe a whole year has passed since my last post… Not much of a surprise really when you live every day out in the zone some place. In at least one regard, it seems like the last year had been somewhat of a break, after the exhaustion brought on by the constant survival mode and living on the edge of existence. If you have any kind of a ‘moral support system’, as in family and friends, count your blessings. My support system is practically non-existent. On rare occasions, I’ll touch base with a neighbor. Not intentional avoidance, but more that paths seldom cross. I have no contact with 99% of my relatives. This is including biological, adoptive, and other-wise, are all history as well. Some by my choice, some by their choice, and some by nature’s choice. On some days when the feelings of my loneliness might become noticeable to me, I’m reminded of the comforts that are found in the solitude that surrounds me. Living in the silent absence of all the drama… It’s a good place. A quiet place. A peaceful place. It’s the kind of place where at least no more injury is likely to occur. There’s even a chance that some healing might take place as well. Maybe?
Coming to grasp with a concept can be tricky… Essentially, I’ve lived a whole life. Now I find myself looking at one tomorrow after another with no idea of which way to go or what to expect. It’s not what I’d call feeling lost. There are so many directions to choose from! So many that have to be weighed, evaluated, and vetted! It easily becomes an overwhelming task just to decide ‘what to do next” and then do it. Small things, everyday things, maybe as simple as making a phone call, can become something to just avoid and put off. Routine? What’s that? Schedule? I’ve heard legends about those things. Deciding what needs to be done, what can be done, and when it will be done, becomes a real process. Having a dog really helps! Most days, things run largely according to the dog schedule at least. Dogs need to eat, go outside, be fed & get water, vet visits, some play time, and some grooming. Also, dogs seem to have a way of knowing when you need to be pulled out of the zone too. Having a person in my life is something that I’ve often thought that I might want, and maybe even find some mutual benefits with. Then again?… Probably not. My dog has needs and can be demanding at times, but that’s OK. Dogs generally don’t judge, demand, rant, get angry, or ignore you. If a dog bites you, hurts you, it has a valid reason. People… They don’t need a reason to hurt you. Not even a real one.
Out there, somewhere, there are those that are able to understand and appreciate everything I’ve written here. They are rare though, I believe. In my rare travels out in to the world, mainly only for necessities, I occasionally recognize something in someone that I can relate to. Unfortunately, it just makes me sad because normally they have no clue, nor understanding and comprehension, of their brief moments I’ll call ‘wake-fullness’. They’ll just shrug off things instead of letting them sink in, and thereby obtain and appreciate the value in them. To those people, I’ll make an extra effort just to be kind to them, and then let it go.
Yeah… Rambled all over this road, I did! Sorry about that. It has been a whole year, and there is still much to be said, to be written about. When the rivers begin to run high in the spring, the water can get a little foamy and disorganized just below the dam. Seems like this has been somewhat like that?
Just one thing… Call it a Flash Back to some days gone by, I guess. Those that were there will know. hahahaha Otherwise, do your best and carry on. OK?
Until next time. and yeah yeah yeah yeah, hahahaha you got the evidence!