Moments of Hope

This is the first post in my new category called “Moments of Hope” 06-21-2018

Life goes on a long time, at least for most. There are so may twists & turns in our path, that we could have never expected, nor anticipated. The real questions are these:

“Do we choose our own path, staying true to ourselves? Or, do we end up constantly altering our course in order to satisfy & accommodate the needs & desires of others?”

When, if, you break away and escape in to freedom one day, you may find yourself in a place that’s pretty scary. At least at first. You’e alone, on your own, and now it’s all you. Just you and that face in the mirror now…

Take it a day at a time, or by the hour if need to, but you must trudge through the time. Moments of dred followed by moments of learning. Moments of insecurity followed by moments confidence. Moments of panic followed by moments confidence. Moments of self-loathing followed by moments of self-appreciation. Moments of feeling worthless followed by moments of self-value.

Whether you’re in a crowd, or by yourself in the wilderness, you realize that you are and always will be alone. And it’s in that moment you can realize…

Moments of despair can be followed by moments of hope. So hold on. Never quit.

A few videos for some reference, and maybe some moments of hope for you too. smile.

 

 

 

Yep… Wilson Philips and Steppenwolf. Who woulda guessed? LoL  ~ Mike

Keep Believing that you can Fly, and maybe one day You will

 

 

 

Posted in Today and Beyond | Leave a comment

A Personal Epiphany

Wow… How many of these can one have in a single lifetime?

Seems like everyone (well, at least many I think) would like to find that one special song, book, movie, or whatever, which seems to have come in to existence just for them, and maybe just because of them. Something that they can relate to on a very personal level, in a way only they can appreciate in the manner that they do.

I’m going to try to keep this short because I plan to share in my FB and Google pages. Giving back to the universe, in my own way I guess?

When you’re out in the zone and you see your own reflection looking back at you, you wave Hello! Cool…

This replaces “The Old Tune”, but the old tune is still also valid, as are many others…

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

It’s 2018… April almost May? Already? Time flies…

I can’t believe a whole year has passed since my last post… Not much of a surprise really when you live every day out in the zone some place. In at least one regard, it seems like the last year had been somewhat of a break, after the exhaustion brought on by the constant survival mode and living on the edge of existence. If you have any kind of a ‘moral support system’, as in family and friends, count your blessings. My support system is practically non-existent. On rare occasions, I’ll touch base with a neighbor. Not intentional avoidance, but more that paths seldom cross. I have no contact with 99% of my relatives. This is including biological, adoptive, and other-wise, are all history as well. Some by my choice, some by their choice, and some by nature’s choice. On some days when the feelings of my loneliness might become noticeable to me, I’m reminded of the comforts that are found in the solitude that surrounds me. Living in the silent absence of all the drama… It’s a good place. A quiet place. A peaceful place. It’s the kind of place where at least no more injury is likely to occur. There’s even a chance that some healing might take place as well. Maybe?

Coming to grasp with a concept can be tricky… Essentially, I’ve lived a whole life. Now I find myself looking at one tomorrow after another with no idea of which way to go or what to expect. It’s not what I’d call feeling lost. There are so many directions to choose from! So many that have to be weighed, evaluated, and vetted! It easily becomes an overwhelming task just to decide ‘what to do next” and then do it. Small things, everyday things, maybe as simple as making a phone call, can become something to just avoid and put off. Routine? What’s that? Schedule? I’ve heard legends about those things. Deciding what needs to be done, what can be done, and when it will be done, becomes a real process. Having a dog really helps! Most days, things run largely according to the dog schedule at least. Dogs need to eat, go outside, be fed & get water, vet visits, some play time, and some grooming. Also, dogs seem to have a way of knowing when you need to be pulled out of the zone too. Having a person in my life is something that I’ve often thought that I might want, and maybe even find some mutual benefits with. Then again?… Probably not. My dog has needs and can be demanding at times, but that’s OK. Dogs generally don’t judge, demand, rant, get angry, or ignore you. If a dog bites you, hurts you, it has a valid reason. People… They don’t need a reason to hurt you. Not even a real one.

Out there, somewhere, there are those that are able to understand and appreciate everything I’ve written here. They are rare though, I believe. In my rare travels out in to the world, mainly only for necessities, I occasionally recognize something in someone that I can relate to. Unfortunately, it just makes me sad because normally they have no clue, nor understanding and comprehension, of their brief moments I’ll call ‘wake-fullness’. They’ll just shrug off things instead of letting them sink in, and thereby obtain and appreciate the value in them. To those people, I’ll make an extra effort just to be kind to them, and then let it go.

Yeah… Rambled all over this road, I did! Sorry about that. It has been a whole year, and there is still much to be said, to be written about. When the rivers begin to run high in the spring, the water can get a little foamy and disorganized just below the dam. Seems like this has been somewhat like that?

Just one thing… Call it a Flash Back to some days gone by, I guess. Those that were there will know. hahahaha Otherwise, do your best and carry on. OK?
Until next time. and yeah yeah yeah yeah, hahahaha you got the evidence!

Posted in Life | Tagged | Leave a comment

Opening My Eyes

Life is a journey. It’s more so about the trip, and not so much the destination. So I’ve been heard and have been told many times… There seems to be a lot of truth in this.

I’ve spent the last few years mainly in what I’ll call “Empty Places”. Much of the time, I spend alone. There are times when I would relish some company, some conversation. But most of the time is spent just being alone, yet not in loneliness. I’m grateful for my peaceful spaces, physically and emotionally, and I spend as much time there as is possible.

It’s only been in the last few years that I’ve spent enough time digging down inside, getting as close to the bottom of “why” as I possibly can. A journey of discovery in a way, and that is seeing things, recalling things, and understanding things, in hindsight. The roots of many things that have troubled me in life, and still do in some ways, run deep. I was a child at one time, but it didn’t last very long. By the time I began grade school, I was already operating on “another level”, much different than my peers. I can cite probable causes, but that may sound like me assigning blame and responsibility to people. In fact, it was a much larger set of circumstances, a true comedy of errors, and there were many characters and players in those circumstances. Adults and other children, the times being the 50’s and early 60’s, and myself already being so disconnected because my journey had already begun without my realization.

Always on the outside looking in. That’s the best way I am able to describe it. Never fitting in, never feeling accepted, never feeling a true bond (except with dogs and other animals). I understood what loyalty was, but at best that can be a fleeting thing. A change in circumstances beyond your control, and loyalties can change greatly and suddenly. That’s how people are. That’s not a bond. A true bond endures changes, good times, bad times, and ages gracefully. I’ve never felt that. That is, a real bond. Except with a dog.

I’ve been told I have PTSD and a major depressive disorder. Great… At least I have a label and somewhat of a definition of what’s been going on all along now. Gaining some understanding of ones self, is well… Progress? But towards what?

So many things have happened on this path of my long journey through life… People are quick to remember your mistakes, short comings, misdeeds, failures, etc. Especially when you’re someone on a path like mine. And I don’t kid myself. I know I’m not the only one out here. In that respect, I’m not alone, never alone. There are many of us. Too many…

Instead of trying to cure us, fix us, judge us, shut us away… I’d suggest recognizing the good in us, the things of value from our unique perspectives and experiences? Take an inventory of our good qualities, and of the benefits we have brought in to this world. There is much understanding, compassion, kindness, to be had because we tend to transmit just what we’d like to receive. We just don’t do very well in circumstances filled with conflict, anger, and meanness, especially when we get blamed for it being that way. Look beyond the end of your noses… See the person inside, and you might find something special.

My path, my journey, has lead me to a place where my history only exists in the minds of others. They recall just what they want, and interpret everything to suit their own needs. My history just vanished one day, along with everyone that I ever thought I meant anything to, or that I though meant anything to me. Loyalties change… It’s not much different now from when I was about 5. I feel like… No, I know I don’t belong here any more now than I did then, or much of the time in between. If you took away all those years in between then and now, for me it’s just “same shit, different day”. Why? Because I can’t see how anything I did, or did not do, made any difference at all. It’s like there was just a lot of “filler” in between now and then. Just busy work. Things to do to fill those times…

I look back now, and I have hard time seeing myself at all. Except that I’ve been in survival mode much longer than I ever realized. I guess, if anything, I have the one accomplishment of not having succumbed to life’s BS and letting it snuff me out? Maybe I’ve always been meant to be just a “place holder”? A thing to keep other things from bumping in to one another? I don’t know… That’s the best I can do to describe it.

What’s up ahead for me now, hearing 62 coming up the walk towards me? I’m hoping it won’t be more of the same of what I’ve been living all along. But, statistically speaking, and in spite of holding on to some faint glimmers of hope, I’m not expecting much.

Some day, this will all be done. Finally. The lights will go out for the last time, and I’ll be on my way to whatever, if anything, awaits in the hereafter. Most people, many people, live their lives in fear if dying. I don’t fear it at all. In fact, it will be a welcome change of pace. I’m in no hurry to get here though! So please don’t get the wrong idea. I’m just saying that if anything, being as I am and have been, You can’t loose nor miss what you’ve never had.

PTSD and major depressive disorder, etc etc, what fun…

To any kindred spirits who may wander by… Hang in there! If nothing else, just enjoy the fact that we can be anything from a pain in the ass to a real conundrum for those who don’t get it and never will. And don’t be in a hurry! Sooner or later life has a way of tapping everyone on the shoulder when it’s time to get off the roller coaster, even if you’re not like us. So if nothing else, just enjoy the ride and whatever scenery there may be…

~ Mike

Almost 62 going on 12….

and yeah, this is much closer to real life these days than you’d believe…

Special Thanks to : R.E.M., YouTube, and REMVEVO

 

 

 

Posted in Searching for Me | Leave a comment

The leaps and bounds of March 2017

March is a very busy and eventful month! Holy crap Batman! Break out the Bat Calendar!

Starts of with the “jump ahead an hour”, Daylight Savings Time, event at 2:00 a.m. local time for most people. This used to be AWE-SOME!!! When I was working the graveyard shift in a Major Casino in Reno, just a few years ago. Our first “15 minute” break was at 1:00 a.m. and then we set the clocks ahead an hour at 2:00 a.m., which then became 3:00 a. m. Whoop! Just an hour between first break and lunch? dinner? past midnight snack? what you called it, it was our BIG break for the night. Also, the best part was that even though we only worked an actual 7 hours, we got paid for 8. Cool… 🙂 In the fall, fall back was almost as good. Got the 8 hours on the clock, plus the extra actual hour. so for the year we were 1 hour ahead if you worked both days. Also, at 2:00 a.m., when it became 1:00 a.m., we of course took our offical 1:00 a.m. 15 minute break AGAIN!!!! Buhwahahaha  🙂

Then just about a week later, it’s St Patty’s Day! woo-Hoo!!! No extra pay or extra breaks, but usually there was at least a few “patrons” that provided some impromptu entertainment of some sort. Which was usually related to a high BAC rather than how Irish they were. Always at least a few laughs.

Then just one more week later, spring in to spring! The Equinox, First Day of Spring, big holiday for the druids and others of course. The best part was that by that time, I was usually driving home in  the sunshine now, with the shift ending early in the morning. The bad part was driving east… Sunshine in your eyes. That’s also when windshields got cleaned, inside and out, because with the sun glare it was worse than fog… Complete “white out”. Like trying to drive with your windshield covered in white paper.

And what would be March, if you didn’t keep Marching On?…  🙂   hahaha

The Gothard Sisters ~ Marching On

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

You want it darker?~ Leonard Cohen

Not having a TV for over a year, and having slim choices on the number of stations I could get on my vintage 70’s clock radio with the FM band, I spent a lot of time listening to  central Wisconsin NPR. I heard about Leonard Cohen’s release “You Want It Darker?” that way, and immediately it became a favorite of mine. Not very long afterwards, Mr Cohen passed away, God bless him. You can look him up easily, and you may be surprised about how much this musical legend gave us. That’s up to you, but I sincerely recommend it.

Before you watch the following video, just a short bit of information that should make the video more understandable and enjoyable, as there is a “context” necessary to understand and appreciate the word “Hineni” used throughout the song. Not understanding what this word is and it’s meaning would be like going to see “2001: A Space Odyssey” without reading the book first. Yeah it’s like that… Take the time for a short lesson, and you’ll probably really enjoy the song and video SO much more!

“Hineni”:

https://www.hineni.org/rebbetzin/rebbetzins-column/true-meaning-compassion-part-one

https://www.hineni.org/

Hineini means, “I am here for you fully, with the trust and vulnerability to do whatever it is you ask of me.” except from article- http://www.stljewishlight.com/opinion/dvar_torah/article_802594b2-3708-11e1-b672-001871e3ce6c.html

and now the song and video….

You Want It Darker? from VEVO at https://youtu.be/YD6fvzGIBfQ

 

Posted in Music and Videos I Like | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

January 2017

Halfway through 61 now. Well almost… Now that I can do things again because I can, I have no clue on what it may be, that I would like to do. Thought about building a time machine. Same old, same old. Even if I had a time machine, where, or rather when, would I go to? Sure nowhere, nowhen, in the past. Been there, done that. I’d probably just hit some random date, at least many decades in to the future, and see what’s there when I got there. Hopefully, they’d still have coffee.

What is a body to do when the opportunity comes along to begin anew with a “clean slate”? No baggage, except for a dog for now and she’s old now too… No whining needy kids, or backstabbing relatives of any kind to speak of. No one from high school, or any other school, lurking in the wings. I haven’t had to mail out, or been able to mail out, a single Christmas card for years. No birthday cards going out, none coming in. No anniversaries to remember.

Only recently got reconnected to the internet, cable TV, and a landline phone too. I was feeling “disconnected” after going without for about a year and a half. Now I’m connected again. A very few friends, a bio brother, a bio nephew, couple of cousins, and that’s about it. Talk with my brother the most. The rest, well they know I’m here and I know they’re there. Everyone has something going on, a life, so they’re pretty busy. That’s OK. A few minutes on a phone, or a message here and there, isn’t much but it’s better than zero. I can’t complain, because it’s about all I can handle anyhow. Too much company, too much connection time, just makes the loneliness darker and deeper in between.

Still living rough, I guess because I’ve gotten so used to that it’s become normal now. I could easily spend some time traveling around the country once the weather gets warmer. Getting stuck in snow storms, or having roads get shut down, just isn’t much fun. I could make some further improvements to this house, like maybe getting a few windows fixed, a stove to cook on, or even a window A/C or two. But why? Making my self-imposed sanctuary more comfortable would be a little counter productive. There would go much of my motivation to just go out the door and in to the great outside`on most days.

I have my moments of hopefulness. I just don’t let myself become to excited over them these days. Hopefulness is too often just the prelude to more disappointment, which refuels and resupplies my depression. Status Quo is a safe place. You may not go up, but you really don’t go lower either. It’s safe, and fairly consistent. If I was going to snap, to break, to give up, it would have happened by now. At least that’s what I believe and hold on to during the worst days. Maybe someday, I’ll get lucky? I doubt it. At least in the meantime I play this game that my life has become, it’s called “Survival”. And for now, it’s all I got.

This is going to be a more interesting year at least, I hope. Maybe a road trip or two? I have time to think about it. I have time, and I at least know that. I just have to think of a destination or two.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

December 2016

Cold and getting colder. Snowed in just a little.

Back from a several year long trek, well almost back, through some dark and empty places. When close to 40 years of your life just disappears, becomes as meaningless as if it never happened, but you still paid your dues for it…

About all I have left is hope and a mile wide streak of stubbornness. Dauntless.

Depression is not fun, but sometimes it’s the only company you’ll have.

Maybe some day… Hopefully, I’ll be ready to be ready.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Happy 40th Birthday

The headline really says it all.

Posted in Memories Before They Fade | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Christmas 2014

Where do I begin…

To the ones who’ve left themselves behind.

To the younger one, I wish you a Merry Christmas. I really do hope that you’re doing well. Maybe you’ve learned to set aside the meanness and the anger? Maybe you’ve learned to be as honest, as truthful, and as fair, to others as much as you always wanted everyone to be that way with you?  Maybe you’ve learned to live within your own strengths, your own true value, and on the merit of your own person? Maybe like a cripple that’s miraculously able to walk on their own, then throws away their crutches, maybe you no longer need to open doors or get your way by using your victim card? Maybe you’ve learned to take responsibility for what’s yours instead of burdening and trashing other people and their lives? Maybe you’ve gotten some straight eyes, the kind of eyes that don’t have the built-in hate and anger biases? Maybe someday you’ll realize that you had so many wonderful things come your way, only to lose them because the only thing you ever held on to was yourself? Maybe someday you’ll realize all the generous and loving things that were done for you by people who really cared about you? Maybe one day you’ll realize that you were never perfect either, and you can forgive others for their imperfections and mean it? Maybe one day you’ll realize that love has its costs, both obvious and hidden, and that so many gave all they had without any expectations of a return? Maybe one day you’ll figure out what is real and what is not, and the value of those things sincere and real? Maybe one day you’ll change, maybe you won’t ever. I really hope you’re doing well.

To the older one, I wish you a Merry Christmas. I really hope that you’re doing well. Maybe you’ve learned to exist beyond your fear and anger? Maybe life has dealt you enough curve balls by now to realize that it can happen to anyone? Maybe you’ve figured out that so many times when you needed me to be there for you, I was? Maybe you figured out that I often admired how much better you had done, and how much better of a person and parent you had become? Maybe sometimes if you noticed me giving you credit, you knew that it was sincere? Maybe you realized that the last time I turned to you, it was because you were all that I had left? Maybe some day down the road, when you’re as old and beat up as I am now, you’ll figure out that I had a lot of value that you just abandoned? Maybe one day, you’ll learn to trust your own heart instead of listening to everyone else? Maybe one day, you’ll realize that there was so much more to be grateful for rather than things that needed to be forgiven? Maybe one day you’ll understand that everyone gets just one chance at life. Some blow it. Some screw up. The only difference anyone can make is to try to do better, become a better person. Maybe some day you’ll realize that people only become someone better because they care? Maybe in some mysterious way, you’ll find that you threw away the best times, the best years, that you could have spent by not shutting someone out of your life? I really hope you are doing well.

To the one who shared my life, I wish you a Merry Christmas too. I really hope that you’re also doing well. Maybe one day you’ll realize that everything I did for us, I was doing for you? Maybe one day the meanness, anger, and hate will go away? Maybe one day, you’ll realize that in spite of all of your imperfections, I could only see the parts of you that I was in love with? Maybe one day you’ll realize that I had feelings too? Maybe one day, you’ll figure out how much, and how often, you also hurt and wronged me? Maybe one day you’ll know that if you ever felt alone, it was because you had shut yourself away and closed the door behind you? Maybe one day, you’ll figure out that it was just as lonely and hurtful on the other side of that closed door for me? Maybe one day, you’ll notice how much I had done and what I went through to do it? Maybe one day, you’ll realize that all I ever wanted was for the doors to never close between us? Maybe one day, you’ll figure out that you sent away the one person that would have never abandoned you? Maybe one day, you’ll figure out that so many things that were put upon me were only there because you forced them or just let them be paced there, because that was the easy way out for you? Maybe one day, you’ll have to make more hard choices, and you’ll know that you can’t blame anyone for a choice being hard, but you still have to make it? Maybe one day you’ll learn that sometimes you can’t have it all, but holding on to what you have is worth any price that you have to pay? Maybe one day you’ll day you’ll figure out that if you’re not happy, you should go have a talk with that face you see in the mirror everyday? Maybe one day, you’ll stop being an account, throw away your scales and balance sheets, and figure out that the only way to measure true love is by how much your own heart can hold? One day, maybe you’ll understand that it’s all about give and take, but not the measuring of it? Maybe one day, you’ll realize that you have to share responsibility? Maybe one day, you’ll figure out that you were a mess too, and that any craziness or insanity was a product of us both? Maybe one day, you’ll figure out what you had lost, what you had abandoned too? Maybe one day, you’ll figure out that you’ll benefit more from being generous with forgiveness of yourself and others, rather than being proficient at placing blame? Maybe someday, you’ll see that much blame you’ve placed on others was really only yours? Maybe someday, you’ll hear exactly what the words say to you and listen to them, instead of imagining some meaning that you wrongly impose on them? Maybe someday, you’ll realize that the day I left you was the hardest and most hurtful day of my life. Not because I was leaving you. But because I was leaving behind my life, my hopes, and my dreams. I was leaving behind everything that ever meant anything to me. I was leaving behind my hope and my love. You never knew this then, and you may never know it at all. Your door is closed, as it was so much, so often, and for so long when we were together. I could never get past those doors, built of fear, anger, meanness, and coldness. Maybe one day you’ll realize that with as many times as you wished pain and hurt on me, caused it to be so as often as you could, scorched me with me hate then slammed your door shut… I never once said that I hated you. Not to this day. Maybe one day you’ll understand that no one can forgive anyone through a closed door? Maybe one day, you’ll know that you needed me to forgive you, as much as I needed forgiveness? Maybe one day, you’ll understand that I needed be loved and to be valued, just as much as I tried to love and value you. Maybe one day you’ll figure out, that if you didn’t feel yourself being loved and valued, it’s because you’re door was closed, and it was reinforced with your hate and anger? Now all I can do is hope for the best for you, and that you’re doing well too.

I gave myself a gift this year, because none of you are in my life any longer. Even though all of you may feel righteous, and completely without fault, I forgive you. The day slowly came when I realized that I had done all that I could do. Right or wrong, I did my best and I had done it with my heart. All of you were the most loved, valued, and trusted people in my life. I saw all of your faults with my eyes. But, I felt only the value of each of you in my heart. When you needed me, I did my best to be there. When you screwed up, I walked right along with you through it. I was told a few times what a great husband I was, that I had become. I was told a few times what a great dad I was, that I had become. I was told a few times what a great grandfather I was, that I had become. Some people are lucky because they’re born perfect. I wasn’t. I had a long and difficult road, a treacherous path, and dark places to get through. I did that. Made it. And all of you had acknowledged my accomplishments at least in some way. I had great hopes that we’d always be married. I had great hopes that even though I was a terrible father at times, my kids would have kept track of the things I got right here and there. I had great hopes that one day a closed door would open, and you would walk through it with an open and loving heart. I had great hopes that one day, while I was sitting alone crying with my pain, that comfort and compassion would come to sooth me. I had great hopes that one day I’d hear some words of encouragement, and hear some recognition for being dauntless in my battles of life. I never gave up. I never quit. I never backed down. The only thing I could never do, would not do, was to force open any doors once they were closed. If love comes, it should only come from its own volition. Not because of its need, want, or obligation regarding anyone. When I made promises, I did my best to keep them. When I said I love you, it came from my heart. When I was needed, I tried to be there no matter what the conditions or circumstances were. I meant everything I said and did. But now, looking back on this some day kind of day, I can see I was mistaken. I can’t tell if I was lied to with malice or intention, but that doesn’t really matter. Where I believed love was, where I believed my love was going, now I can only see a hungry beast of meanness and anger that must have devoured it. The doors are all closed, but some times I can still hear its distant laughter. The beast, the anger, the hatred, the meanness, they all think they’ve won. Maybe some day, it will be realized that a hollow victory is no victory at all? Maybe some day, it will be realized that nothing of value was taken from anyone, that no one was cheated, because that can’t be when those things are cast away and abandoned?

So, here is my Christmas gift to myself… I forgive all of you. You don’t need to be the winner or the loser to forgive. All you need is a true and feeling heart, because there are no sides when it comes to forgiving, and that’s all. Rock on… Dokkodo

~ Mike

 

Posted in Holidays | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment