What would I do if?…

“What would I do if…” covers many things. Today though, I’m going to focus on myself, my life, my situation, my dreams, my hopes, and maybe a few fears or concerns as well. Considering the “what ifs” of when things may go right for a change, instead of just in circles, or not well at all. Suppose something went my way? Would I be ready? Suppose my life and situation were to improve? Suppose a dream or a hope suddenly manifested itself?

The biggest “what if” is… What if I found love? Please note that I did NOT use the word “again”, as that is quite notable. Here is something I posted recently where just a couple of friends and few cousins have access to it…

The only way I might ever believe in love again would be only if Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, AND the Great Pumpkin ALL showed up here together and tried to convince me that I should…
I should have never believed it the first time. That happens when you’re young and stupid, and it did. If I had ever really meant anything to anyone I thought I meant something to, I wouldn’t be sitting here alone right now. I can’t feel too bad, because it seems I didn’t lose anything except what I had believed in and hoped it would be.

Dust in the wind. ~ Trust No One
No more lies, false dreams, and empty hopes.
Don’t blow any feel-good sunshine up my ass just so that you’ll feel better.
Don’t judge me, as the only thing being judged is your own reflection.
That about sums it all up..

I’ve observed much, studied many people, sought words of wisdom from the wise, and have actively searched for purest and most honest meaning, of the definition of love. To learn what something is also entails learning what it is not. It’s a journey that takes a lifetime or more, which is a good thing. Learning about love has it’s hazards. To learn you have to endure those hazards and the consequences of same. You pay the price. You pay your dues. You take your wounds and scars right along with you. If the desire in your own heart is true, you keep moving on, forward, toward your goal, the legendary reward that may await you. The more time that passes, the more that you endure and survive, the more dauntless you become. It’s a noble quest that only the most dauntless will survive. Is the treasure attainable? Is it real? Does it exist at all? Those are questions only answerable by someone who has the faith to go far enough to know those things. The closer I get to the prize, them more I am understanding that the last step needed in order to reach it, to touch it, to hold it, and to place it in to my own heart… That last step will be no ordinary step. It will be a true leap of faith. The last step across the nothingness…

I’m feeling close to it at times. So very close… That goal that is still so elusive.

What would I do if, when I found that essence of love, there was someone already there holding it? What would I do if they were there waiting for someone to come along? Just because I show up, would that make me “the one”? Just because they are already there, waiting, would that make them “the one”?

Anyone reading my posting about not believing in love any longer will get different things, different meanings, and different intentions, from it. What I’ve really done is throw up my hands and toss the whole thing in to the lap of the universe. Not giving up. Rather letting go of the control, letting go of the wheel. Take me there, bring it to me, bring me to it, show me…

Now… What would I do if Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, AND the Great Pumpkin ALL showed up here together and tried to convince me that I should… I should believe in love? I’d say Thank You, and I’d believe. It wouldn’t take much to convince me. Why is that? Because I want to believe… And I do, because I am dauntless.

~ Mike

Abraham Hicks is worth listening too… Enjoy  🙂

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Yes, I like some Country and Western Music

feeling just a little nostalgic today… so I thought I’d share these. They always snap me right out of it, and back to reality……. 🙂

 

 

and this is a real golden oldie….

 

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Who Am I?

That’s a good question. One that I’m still figuring out, through much research and discovery. Not long ago, I had done the DNA testing for lineage offered on Ancestry.com http://www.ancestry.com/

While I was still fairly young, I was told by my adoptive father that he had “fixed it” so that I’d never be able to find out anything about my biological family. I don’t think he did anything like this with malice in his intent. Rather, and not understood by me, I believe he did this out of his own insecurity. My adoptive father was well acquainted with many of the local politicians, judges, lawyers, doctors, etc, of his time and era. Putting “the fix” in was not something out of reach to him, and I’m sure he did everything he could. In spite of the obstacles and barriers set in place, I still achieved my goal. I found my biological family. After all the time and emotional costs of doing that, I came to a realization one day, “Why stop there?”. Several years later, as time and resources became available, I continued my journey backward in time. A pursuit if you will, in search of my identity. With a mindset of, no matter what I may find, I wanted to know, needed to know.

This link should take you to my public DNA shared ethnicity page on Ancestry.com

http://dna.ancestry.com/public/ethnicity/d940dd5f-0ea2-4f8c-8d9a-91431eb64896/ebb2d0a5-e7f0-492d-82a4-16a6654d3e8d

It provides a graphic breakdown and percentages. For anyone, not just adoptees, interested in learning more about who you are, I recommend this simple test.

As you go further back, there are of course more and more branches to follow. What I was finding in my ancestry was amazing! I had no idea… In some lines I had gotten back as far as the 1300’s, with others as far back as the 1400 and 1500’s.

Not bad for someone who was NOT supposed to ever know anything about his immediate biological family! Did any of this change any of my feelings regarding my adoptive parents? Absolutely not I believe, overall. In some ways, maybe my adoptive dad was even trying to protect me from things he was unaware of? Things I didn’t need protecting from? In any event, what he and my adoptive mom did, in that respect, they did solely for them whether they understood and appreciated that or not. I don’t hold that against them.

What did I get from doing so much of this? How did anything I dug up actually benefit me? What good is it to me to know such things at all? Much of what I learned helped me to better understand my character and psyche very much. Why did I think a certain way? Have certain tastes? Likes? Dislikes? Etc… So much has become clearer to me now. My only regret is that I wish that I’d known some or all of these things about myself at a much earlier age. I feel that it may have bolstered my self-worth, self-respect, and confidence, that had been so badly beaten down. I feel that had I known, I would have made greater strides in life, and likely would have been a much better person overall, in many ways. When you think you’re nothing, and it’s regularly reinforced, you eventually succumb when you have no idea of the truth. It’s not so much of a matter of not being “as strong” as your character may naturally be. It becomes a matter of “survival” in your given environment. You live, survive, within the walls and closed doors that surround you, without questioning your boundaries. You may not even realize that they exist, and therefore never realize that they can be challenged and eventually broken down and through with great perseverance.

Apparently I have several lines that I’ve traced back to some of the original colonists and founders of our country. Further back, some of those lines trail off in to lineages of some very old European royalty. Haven’t gotten back much farther, mainly due to the current lack of time and resources once again. As long as I’m alive and have the ability, at some point I’ll resume. After all, when I eventually cross over and get to meet them, it may just be one awesome party for a while! For now, I’m here. I do what I do.

Here are several graphics that I’m sharing from my research over several years. These are a few of my favorites for now…

CLICK on the separate graphics to enlarge them and make them easily readable.

 

 

Dr Clay 26715091-d7bd-4a55-aa33-ffac44625f6f

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clay P1of2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clay P2of2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A descendant of a Baron of Wales and a 4th cousin, 9x removed, or George Washington. Discovering these, as others, really changed my perspectives in many ways…

 

GW-4th cousin P1of2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GW-4th cousin P2of2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When will my journey continue? Don’t know… Just pretty sure that one day it will.

My words of advice to anyone like myself walking a similar path of searching for yourself: You must be ready for anything. You must be prepared. You never know what you may find, good or bad.

My words of encouragement for anyone contemplating talking a walk on a similar path is best said and illustrated by this graphic…

 

197009_10151209215368931_222901069_n

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be well. May all the answers you may seek find you. Peace and Love to anyone else on the journey. We may not know where we came from, but we are here now. We are here for a reason, and we have something to do. Think of the future generations to whom you may be a stepping stone along their path, and wish them well too.

~ Mike

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Owl City

Owl City ~ Shawn Chrystopher

Music videos by Owl City performing Alligator Sky, Deer In The Headlights. (C) 2011 Universal Republic Records, a division of UMG Recordings, Inc.

OwlCityVEVO on YouTube

A couple of my favorites by Owl City…  If you like these, look for more, they’re out there. Enjoy!

 

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I am a Rock

First things first….

Please watch this…

Simon & Garfunkel “I Am A Rock” originally release August, 1965 Rec-recorded and included later on their “Sound Of Silence” album, January, 1966

 

This song has had so much meaning and relevance throughout my life… It fit when I was still a child, when it was first released. I was rock and an island even then. So many times between then and now, when it should not have fit at all, it did fit so well… Now I sit on the doorstep of 60. Looking back at a life that has become meaningless in so many ways. It may as well have never existed, and maybe I may as well have never existed as well?

Of course, someone out there is going to comment about the things I have done that have a difference in someone’s life, good or bad. Sure… I’ve done good things. I’ve done bad things. The problem for me is that most people who have meant something to me, that I thought I meant something to, well, they seem to have a good memory and have kept an attentive record of every misdeed, mistake, and misstep, I’ve ever made. While at the same time they being totally blind and conveniently forgetting, or taking the time to see, or recognize any good thing I’ve ever done, for them or anyone else. That is, only what serves their purpose, will they acknowledge. If I hadn’t been here, hadn’t ever done anything good for anyone, sure the world would be different. But, would it matter? I think not…

For years, I’ve pondered, wondered, what the true meaning and definition of love really was. What gives love meaning? What gives love life? What is the energy in love that you can feel, that radiates, and is timeless? Real love is timeless. Real love never dies.

It’s been a lifelong goal of mine. To know love, to exist within love and have it surround me. To feel it because it’s just there. Love for me. It requires no thought or effort on my part to feel it, because it’s something that exists within its own right and is completely out of my control. True love cannot be forced, nor denied, and has an energy and a will of its own. You can’t make anyone love you, nor stop any from loving you that truly does.

In learning what I’ve learned, that true love has a character, life and energy of its own, I also had to learn an ugly truth. You can’t kill love, but you can mortally wound it, with anger. Love doesn’t die, but will exist in this mortally wounded and excruciatingly painful state. It never dies. Then, neither does the pain from it. Broken hearts. They last forever. A broken heart can’t be fixed, cured, mended, in any way, except for one. That one and only way, is through love.

A broken heart isn’t a sadness or a longing. It’s just a simple fact of existence. One could spend a lifetime looking… Waiting… Hoping… That one day the broken heart would heal and the pain would stop. When doors are closed, kept shut, and forgotten… When love, commitments, and forgiveness, are traded like a commodity… It makes for an unreal world, an existence without meaning because the feelings and the people within in, including yourself, are not real… It’s a place of madness because nothing is real, and without reality nothing matters or lasts… If the good doesn’t matter, then the bad cannot matter either, nor anything in between… The closest analogy I can come up with is that this place of being would be called “limbo”. Doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do, what you think or don’t think, what you feel or don’t feel, because nothing is real and nothing really matters. Living within a broken heart is an empty, lonely place. I believe that’s why so many souls look for an escape, an exit, a way out, of any means. Some choose an existence within a realm of superficial lies and falsehoods. A place that they manufacture for themselves. Too often with the help of others like themselves because there are just so many that are the same… Drugs and alcohol make doing that easier. Crutches, so to speak. Some others simply decide to take the big step in to oblivion, what ever awaits beyond this existence. People are human, and humans are not perfect, nor always strong enough to endure what life brings to them.

People will think things, conjure up ideas, stories, and facts in their own minds, then accept all of it as absolute truth. They find a few things which they lock on to, then call that what is. In fact, they never take the time to understand, digest, and see the whole picture. Taking things out of context, good or bad, is easy and convenient to do. That’s why I believe it’s so common. Believing someone is good or bad, which ever way they are already biased, will happen. I’ve seen some evil and dirty people get placed in a pigeon-hole of honor and trust, when they absolutely did not deserve that recognition of good. I’ve also seen some honorable and trustworthy people get placed in a pigeon-hole deserved by only the most evil and dirty of all, when they absolutely did not deserve that condemnation. People, human beings, that judge forget one thing important thing… They make mistakes, and all too often their judgement is misplaced, mistimed, and invalid.

I’ve been pigeon-holed by some as evil. I’ve been pigeon-holed by some as good. All are wrong, at least to some degree, simply because of the fact that I’m human and imperfect, just as they are. People forget that life is a journey of change and of learning, at least if you’re awake and paying attention! Every “Saint” has a “closet” with some old bones in it. Every “Sinner” has scrolls citing good deeds of merit. So really, who is anyone to judge another, except for God?

Who are You today? At this moment? Who am I today? At the same moment? This moment, and the next immediate moment, it’s the only place where we exist. You cannot change the past once it’s done. You cannot make the future until it becomes this moment. So it’s only this moment that serves as a place to measure anything from. Just this moment, and that’s all. Each and every step is a “Leap Of Faith”. Nothing more or less. Once you get that, you become fearless. You become a creature that can endure. You live life, one step, one moment, one leap at a time, unconcerned whether or not there will be a next. The pain goes on… But, so do you.

For any other lost and lonely souls out there, those that know the existence, those that know the pain, I think of you every day. I know that we are not the weak ones. Without effort, without action, we honor and recognize one another. Blessings upon all of you.

I am an Island.

I salute you.  ~ Mike

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Happy Birthday

Be careful what you wish for.

 

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abandoned

to be abandoned
once again
was pretty hard
to take

to be forgotten
once more
a broken man
can break

to be shunned
once forever
stabbed heart bleeds
a lake

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Marx Brothers

 

Grew up watching these guys on TV! Nothing wrong with having just a little Groucho going for you…

 

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A leap of Faith

It is written…

“Only in the leap from the lion’s head will he prove his worth”

Watched this a few times, as it’s in a movie I’ve always enjoyed. But, today, 9/7/14 I noticed the date that it had been uploaded, published. That being 9/7/2010 another day when my life also depended on making that leap of faith from the lion’s head…

Coincidence? Or, just another message cleverly placed by the universe for discovery at just the right moment? It’s significance remains to been realized in some ways at least, but I believe already. I have faith. I believe.

 

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Sheila Chandra ~ Favorites

Be an ocean…  Be a river…

9/7 at 6:35 a.m., let there be life….

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